I’ve been writing about coping with stress by gaining perspective. Today, I want you to learn to use another excellent coping technique based on trying to imagine someone else’s point of view.
The Point of View technique works like this:
When someone does something that angers, annoys, or otherwise upsets you, imagine three possible reasons that person may have behaved that way. The reasons cannot involve malice or personalization, i.e., you can’t assume the person is being mean-spirited or directing his/her behavior toward you. In addition, the reasons must be reasons you can empathize with.
This technique shields you agains the physical and emotional toll of feeling angry/stressed/frustrated. It also helps you build empathy by imagining what someone else might be going through. In addition, it’s a reminder that most people are just trying to get through their day and they are not going out of their way to anger you.
Here’s an example:
You’re in line at the grocery and the person in front of you is chatting away on his cell phone. Only when everything is bagged and ready to go does he take out his wallet and start digging through his cash, apparently now intent on gathering correct change. But wait, now he’s decided to use a credit card, but he’s not paying attention and keeps running the card through on the wrong side. . . You get the idea.
You could huff and puff and try to show your annoyance, which will amp up your sympathetic nervous system. Or, you could imagine one of these scenarios:
- Maybe his wife just left him and he’s trying to pick up groceries for a weekend with his children. He’s completely overwhelmed and therefore not functioning very well.
- Just as he got to the checkout line, he received a phone call that is very upsetting–maybe his boss is chewing him out or he’s received some bad news. Understandably, he’s distracted.
- His daughter is serving in Afghanistan and he just received a rare phone call from her. He’s thrilled to talk with her and completely disengaged from the task at hand.
(If you think these examples are ridiculous, think again–these are all real situations described to me by clients, and a little understanding from others would have gone a long way.)
What if the person really is incredibly rude and/or trying to make your life difficult?
If it’s a stranger or someone you don’t like, does it really matter? We all know that indifference is the worst insult to both bullies and narcissists, plus you’re not going to know whether it’s maliciousness or a more sympathetic reason until you confront the person. And it’s rare that the emotional stress of a confrontation is really worth it. (There are, of course, times when a confrontation will be productive, but these situations will still take an emotional toll on you, so choose wisely!)
If it’s someone you know and the behavior is out of character (and not severe), why not let it go? After all, who enjoys being called out on the one-off bad behavior? Maybe the person is tired, stressed, or distracted. If a trend is developing, you will have another opportunity to address the behavior.
Remember, a key aspect of the Point of View technique is to generate three possible reasons why the person may be behaving this way, and the reasons cannot include maliciousness or personalization. By generating alternative explanations for bad behavior, you’re building your sense of empathy as well as distancing yourself emotionally from anger and the stress response.
Your Daily Shoring assignment for today is to practice the Point of View technique! Think back to the last time someone angered you, was rude, or they seemed to be purposefully trying to annoy you. If you can’t think of a time (good for you!) then here’s an easy one–imagine someone cuts you off in traffic. Now generate three sympathetic reasons for his/her rude behavior. Practice this technique and try to use it moving forward–it can save you a lot of frustration and stress!
It’s easy to get so caught up in your own daily life that you don’t really listen to others.
Likewise, you may forget (or just get too overwhelmed!) to check in with others about things that are important to them. For today, I want you to really pay attention to someone else. This will help you shift your perspective from “self” to “other,” which is a tried and true method for lifting one’s mood. A change in perspective really does make a difference! And by listening to what is important to someone else, you may gain perspective on what’s going on in your own life.
Gaining perspective is a key component of emotional health.
By listening to someone else, you may:
- Realize you are not alone in your struggles
- Remember that we all go through ups & downs
- Feel motivated by the positive events in someone else’s life
- Feel better about your struggles compared to someone else’s
- Become more thankful for the positives in your life
- Learn something new
- Connect with someone over a shared interest
- Or, just enjoy the temporary mental break of a pleasant social interaction
In addition, it will probably be a pleasant experience for the other person, and good moods are contagious!
So try to Reach Out today! Ask someone something specific about his/her hobby, job/school, significant other, travel, children/grandchildren/pet, a challenge you know he/she is facing, etc.
Be specific in your question, really listen, and ask a few follow-up questions.
This is a great way to let others know you care by showing an interest, while simultaneously taking a break from your own stressors. If you aren’t going to see anyone in person today, then call, send an email, text, or Facebook message.
One additional tip–if you’re talking to someone who is stuck in a negative rut of complaining (different from appropriately sharing about a stressful life event!), you can use this tip to change the topic. Ask specific questions about something you know is a bright spot in the person’s life–his/her hobby, travel, pet, etc., and you can usually shift the conversation away from the negative. Be gentle in the transition and genuine in your interest, and you’ve just done a favor for both of you.
How can you use this technique today?
Today’s Daily Shoring tip is a strategy for coping with stress, particularly situations in which you feel angry or frustrated.
The technique is called the “bird’s eye view.” When you find yourself getting angry, frustrated, or just impatient, mentally shift your perspective and imagine you are looking down at the situation from a bird’s eye view.
This simple emotional distancing technique is effective at reducing the “emotional saliency” of the situation–in other words, you’re less “in the moment” and more emotionally distanced from the situation,which calms your physiological response to stress.
This buffers you against the physical and emotional toll of a stressful situation and allows you to proceed in a calm manner.
We’ve all heard the advice that, when you’re angry or frustrated, “Count to 10.” I’ve always wondered, “What am I supposed to do while I’m counting to 10?” Deep breathing helps, but if you’re really angry or frustrated, it’s difficult to shake it off just by counting to 10.
The “bird’s eye view” technique is exactly what you need in these situations.
Here’s an example of how it works–
Let’s say you’re stuck at the airport–your flight is delayed, you’re standing in a long line, and the gate agent is surly. You’re tired and hungry, everyone around you is angry, and at least two babies are crying. Oh, and now they announce that everyone needs to change gates–32 gates away. Truly a frustrating situation, but you probably don’t have a lot of options other than going through the motions to get on the flight. So, instead of focusing on your frustration, imagine a bird’s eye view of the entire situation–what you see is simply a bunch of people standing around. At least they are all warm, dry, and in a safe location. Count to 10, take some deep breaths, and realize that, in the grand scheme of things, this is not a tragedy or a trauma. It’s just something you have to get through.
Your assignment for today is to practice the bird’s eye view technique.
You can practice either with the scenario I described above, or even better, with a recent stressful situation you encountered. By practicing today, you can more easily employ this coping technique when you next find yourself angry, frustrated, or impatient.
Please try it–it really does work!
Today, I want to remind you of the emotional benefits of exercise!
- Exercise can be as effective as antidepressants for mild depression.
- Exercise helps alleviate anxiety.
- People who exercise regularly tend to make healthier choices in other areas of their lives.
- Exercise can lead to a longer life, but even more importantly, contributes to improved health during the final years of life.
- Exercise stimulates the brain, which can improve memory and focus.
- Exercise improves quality of sleep.
And here’s more good news from Gretchen Reynold’s book, The First 20 Minutes:
Exercising for even 20 minutes a week can improve mood!
Who can’t carve out 20 minutes a week for exercise? Of course, more exercise is recommended for optimal physical and mental benefits, but the next time the week is passing you by and you haven’t dedicated any time to exercise, remember that even if it’s just 20 minutes that week, it’s worth it!
Your Daily Shoring assignment for today:
If you need something easy, add 5 minutes a day of physical activity. This can be stretching, jumping jacks, walking, yard work, etc. Try to do this all week, but even if it’s just for today, that’s progress! In fact, why don’t you do it now?!
If you’re up for more of a challenge–how do you stack up to these generally accepted exercise guidelines?
150 minutes a week of aerobic activity (can be broken down into 10 minute units)
2 sessions of weight training per week (yoga and Pilates count!)
If you’re on track, good for you! Consider reading Gretchen Reynold’s book to better understand how to get the most out of exercise and learn which exercise advice is on target (pickle juice is good for cramps!) and which advice researchers are now reconsidering (“stretching before a workout is counterproductive–it’s best to just start easy”).
What is your exercise routine and how do you maintain it?
“Can’t” is the half brother of “I don’t want to.”
This quote goes back to my great grandmother and is a wonderful reminder that sometimes we need to get out of our own way and just try, even if something is difficult or new or intimidating.
After all, what’s the worst that could happen?
You lose, fail, embarrass yourself, experience a setback, or waste your time? If that’s the worst of it, go ahead and give it a try–you might succeed, but either way, you can be proud of yourself for trying.
Challenging yourself teaches you that sometimes you succeed, and even when you don’t succeed, you learn something about yourself. You also realize that you can handle disappointment. These are the building blocks of healthy self esteem.
And don’t forget to fight off the Cognitive Distortions–All-or-Nothing Thinking, Jumping to Conclusions, and Catastrophizing–your efforts don’t have to be perfect and the outcome will probably not be horrific. Obviously, you want to give careful consideration to challenges that involve significant amounts of money and/or life changes, but that’s not what I’m writing about today–I’m talking about new experiences and opportunities when we tend to think, “Oh, I probably wouldn’t enjoy that/be good at that/it’s a waste of my time/everyone else will be better/ what’s the point, etc.”
I love inspiring stories (who doesn’t?!) so today I will share the story of Fontella Bass.
I think her story illustrates how our efforts can pay off in unexpected ways, and it’s more important to try than to be perfect!
Fontella Bass’s most famous song is Rescue Me–if you’re not familiar with the song, click here. Ms. Bass’s involvement in recording this song was serendipitous–she was walking to work and stopped in at Chess Recording Studio in Chicago. Raynard Miner, a songwriter, was there and asked her to help him out with a song. A few other guys dropped in and they worked out the melody, then Ms. Bass went on to work. A few days later, the guys told her they were going to record the song so she went back to the studio and they recorded in three takes. The song hit #1 on the R&B charts in 1965. All from an impromptu collaboration.
Ms. Bass later married and interrupted her singing career while she raised her children. She describes being at a low point in her life when, in 1990–25 years after the song was recorded–she heard herself singing in an American Express commercial! This motivated her to resume her singing career and seek compensation for the use of her voice in the American Express commercial. She prevailed, receiving what she described as “a significant amount” of money from American Express, and resumed her singing career.
My favorite part of the story?
If you know the song, then you know the part where she’s singing “Mmmm hmmm mmmm hmmmm.” I love this part of the song! Well, turns out that while they were recording, she dropped her music but didn’t want to interrupt the recording. She didn’t know the words, so she ad libbed with “Mmmm hmmmm” until she could pick up her music!
So you see, you don’t have to be perfect, and you never know how things might turn out.
If you want to hear Fontella Bass’s interview with Terry Gross on NPR, click here.
Your assignment for today?
If you’re inspired by Ms. Bass’s story, that’s a good start! Keep an open mind to new experiences, challenges, and opportunities, and think twice before you talk yourself out of something. Be aware of cognitive distortions that talk you out of things before you even get started.
And the next time you mess up? Don’t beat yourself up–remember that sometimes things work out if you just wing it! Mmmmm hmmm!
If you’re up for a challenge, commit to trying something new today. If you need ideas, refer to Try Something Different and Learn Something New. Or, mentally commit to saying “Yes” the next time someone asks you to do something outside of your comfort zone!
