I recently read an article by clinical psychologist Susan Silk & her husband, Barry Goldman–How Not To Say the Wrong Thing.
The gist of the article is that people get to grieve and cope in their own way; if you want to help, listen and/or offer practical help (specific offers of help with kids, errands, food–not advice on how to handle the situation, though!). Don’t insert your own grief, anger, or preferred coping mechanisms into someone else’s crisis.
Photo from the FB page of The OpEd Project
Dr. Silk recommends a simple technique she calls the Ring Theory as a guideline for helping and supporting those in crisis.
Draw a small circle at the center of the page and put the name of the person experiencing the crisis in that circle. Then, draw a larger (concentric) circle and put the name of the person closest to the center person–for adults, this is usually a spouse or partner, but may be children, parents, or closest friend. Keep drawing larger circles around the other circles and add the layers of people–close friends, more distant friends, colleagues, etc. Here are the rules:
“The person in the center ring can say anything she wants, to anyone, anywhere.”
The center person can be angry, complain life is not fair, talk about her worries, etc. “Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings. When talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help.” You are not allowed to dump your anger, fear, or grief to people in circles smaller than yours, only to those in your circle or larger circles.
The concept is simple–“comfort in, dump out.”
And remember, everyone copes in his or her own way. Some people cope best by sharing about their crisis, with friends or even the media, and may find comfort and strength in becoming active in a cause related to their situation.
Others prefer to keep their crisis private. This is a valid coping mechanism as well–private does not mean denial! It’s perfectly healthy to look for comfort in the normalcy of day-to-day life. So don’t be surprised if someone going through a medical crisis or other tragedy chooses to brush the topic aside–and please don’t press!
Sending thoughts of comfort and support to the victims of the Boston Marathon bombing and my neighbors in West, Texas.
Today is the 90th day of the Daily Shoring Series! If you’ve been working through the 90 day series, congrats!
If you want to receive the full series again, in order, leave a comment and let me know so I can re-subscribe you.
The daily reminder may be helpful and you can challenge yourself more the second time around! And because I periodically update and revise the posts, you’re likely to come across something new.
Now that you’ve completed the Daily Shoring 90 Day Series, take a mental inventory.
If you want to review the Daily Shoring posts, they’re listed under Daily Tips.
- Are there tasks you would like to repeat?
- Are there tasks you need to repeat, i.e., cleaning up your sleep hygiene?
- Are there tasks that would be beneficial at a more demanding level?
- Are there tasks you would like to incorporate into your ongoing daily or weekly routine?
I’m so glad you participated in Daily Shoring and I hope it was helpful! I’ll continue to write about topics relevant to emotional well being, so continue to check out dailyshoring.com!
Today’s Daily Shoring assignment builds on Remember an Accomplishment. In the original post, I asked you to remember a time you set a goal, persevered, and were proud of yourself. Today, I want you to remember a Daily Shoring assignment that motivated you. Which Daily Shoring assignment did you get the most out of? Repeat it today, and enjoy the sense of accomplishment!
If you’re working through the Daily Shoring 90 Day Series, today is your next to last day! If you want to repeat the series, leave a comment and let me know. I periodically update the posts in the 90 Day Series, so you’re likely come across something new!
What was your favorite Daily Shoring assignment?
I’ve written several posts about mindfulness, but if you’re still confused about exactly what mindfulness is and how to do it, I have a simple exercise for you!
First, let’s talk about some of the mental benefits of mindfulness, which include improved attention/concentration, lowered anxiety, and better mood. These benefits are related to the focusing and being in the moment aspects of mindfulness.
One of the ways mindfulness works is by retraining your brain to screen out distractions. This allows you to focus, in a calm manner, on one thing at a time.
While multitasking sometimes has its advantages, most of us recognize the benefits of focusing our undivided attention. In fact, many people procrastinate because they struggle with giving a project their undivided attention until they’re up against a deadline. If you enjoy that “rush” and extra focus of being up against a deadline, I’m probably describing you!
You can consciously avoid multitasking, but how do you keep your mind from wandering? If you find it difficult to keep your mind focused on only one thing (the essence of mindfulness), today’s exercise will help!
First, a little background on a learning tool called biofeedback. Biofeedback “is a process that enables an individual to learn how to change physiological activity for the purposes of improving health and performance” (according to the Association for Applied Psychophysiology & Biofeedback). Biofeedback is usually performed with electronic instruments that measure blood pressure, heart rate, or skin temperature which give real-time feedback on physiological fluctuations.
People can learn to manipulate physiological responses by shifting their thoughts and focus.
As an example, we know that biofeedback can help people learn to lower blood pressure. The “feedback” the electronic instruments provide during biofeedback helps a person understand precisely what it is that he/she is doing or thinking that can bring blood pressure down. (And it’s slightly different for everyone!) As an example, a person may realize that taking deep breaths and thinking about a beach vacation lowers blood pressure while taking deep breaths and thinking about a work project raises blood pressure. Once this connection is made, a person can use that information to selectively lower blood pressure at will.
So how can you apply the utility of biofeedback to mindfulness (without electronic instruments!) and figure out whether you’re “being mindful” and “staying in the moment?” Easy–balance.
If you’ve ever practiced yoga, you’re familiar with both focusing and clearing your mind at the same time to stay in a balance pose. That’s mindfulness! And falling out of the pose vs staying balanced? That’s the biofeedback! If you stay balanced, you’ve got it–you were able to clear and calm your mind. If you fall, keep trying–you’ll get it!
If you’re not familiar with yoga, a balance pose can be as simple as standing on one leg.
Try it–you’ll quickly learn to calm your mind to stay “balanced.” If your mind starts to wander, you’ll loose your balance no matter how skilled a yogi you are! If you want a few ideas for yoga poses, look here. If you’re a beginner, you may want to start with simply standing on one foot, or try Tree Pose, Dancer Pose, or Warrior III.
Your Daily Shoring assignment for today is to pick a balance pose and try to hold it for 60 seconds! If you’re good at this, you’re probably already good at mindfulness. If you feel challenged, pay attention to what you’re thinking or focusing on when you’re able to hold your balance, as well as when you lose your balance. What works is your recipe for mindfulness!
It’s interesting that we so often hear about the importance of balance in our lives, when balance can be as literal as standing on one leg, which requires mindfulness!
If you want to review, here are the other Daily Shoring posts on mindfulness: Improve Your Focus, Practice Mindfulness with a “Grounding Exercise,” Practice Mindfulness, Practice Mindfulness with Music, and Use Mindfulness to Avoid the Kindling Effect.
Why is mindfulness effective in improving well being? Research indicates (at least) two processes at work–physical and mental. Today, we’ll focus on the physical underpinnings:
Physical benefits of mindfulness include lowered blood pressure, improved immune system functioning, and better sleep. These benefits are related to the physically calming effects of mindfulness.
A little about the body’s nervous system and how we respond to stress:
The autonomic nervous system is made up of two complementary systems–the parasympathetic nervous system and the sympathetic nervous system.
When we are not in imminent danger, our bodies are intended to default to a restorative phase in which our parasympathetic nervous system is in control.
The parasympathetic nervous system, responsible for “rest & digest,” directs our bodies to digest food and devote energy to healing, growth, and boosting our immune system.
When we sense danger, our sympathetic nervous system kicks in. The sympathetic nervous system, responsible for the “fight or flight” response, diverts blood flow and energy to the large muscles in our bodies that allow us to fight off or run from impending danger.
When we sense danger, our blood pressure shoots up, adrenalin and other stress hormones rush into our system, and we’re prepared for battle. Unfortunately, most of us have an overreactive sympathetic nervous system–we experience the “fight or flight” response when we’re faced with normal daily stressors and irritations. For example, say you get cut off in traffic–this is annoying, but there’s no imminent danger and there’s certainly no rationale for a fight! An overreactive sympathetic nervous system contributes to problems controlling anger, anxiety, and/or physiological stress ailments such as digestive issues, headaches, and so forth.
All of us face daily stressors and if your sympathetic nervous system is constantly kicking into high gear, you begin to experience the “kindling effect.”
To understand the kindling effect, think about starting a fire–if you’re starting a fire from scratch with a bunch of hard wood, it takes some time and prodding for the fire to catch and sustain. However, if you have embers left over from last night’s fire, and you add some kindling (small sticks & twigs), it doesn’t take long at all–and usually there’s a small combustion when the kindling catches fire.
The same kindling effect happens when your sympathetic nervous system is never fully calmed down.
Whether your typical stress response is anger, anxiety, or a physiological reaction such as headache or stomachache, you’re more likely to have a full blown stress response to a minor stressor if you’re not taking time each day (even better, several times a day!) to relax and reset. As a result, today’s response to stress is amped up by all the stressors from the past week or month–not a healthy way to respond!
Mindfulness calms the sympathetic nervous system, which recalibrates your body’s reaction to stress and the production of stress hormones.
Having a finely tuned (as opposed to overreactive) sympathetic nervous system contributes to coping more effectively with day-to-day stressors without the disruption of an “adrenalin rush.” When you’re not experiencing a rush of adrenalin, cortisol, etc., every time you face a daily stressor, your body is better able to regulate blood pressure, immune functioning, and other restorative processes like sleep.
Your Daily Shoring exercise for today is to take at least 5 minutes to engage in mindfulness. You can use music, guided meditations, or a grounding exercise–don’t make it too complicated, but try to completely relax–without distractions–for at least 5 minutes.
Tomorrow, I’ll go into more detail about the mental benefits of mindfulness!
How did you practice mindfulness today?
