What is the tone of your internal dialogue? The way you speak to yourself is important! A good rule of thumb is to speak to yourself in the same manner you would speak to friend. David Burns calls this the “double standard technique” in The Feeling Good Handbook. With friends who are struggling, we are supportive of their strengths and help them look at positive ways to work through their struggles. We also remind them that they successfully navigated challenges in the past and “this too shall pass.”
If you don’t speak to yourself in the same manner, you need to! You are not motivating yourself with a harsh internal dialogue. It’s okay to be realistic and acknowledge your mistakes and weaknesses, but follow up with how you can improve and move forward. In fact, this is the most basic building block of self esteem: know yourself, including your strengths and weaknesses, and understand how you can capitalize on your strengths and compensate for your weaknesses. If you messed up, acknowledge this and understand why, how to improve, and try to remember a time in the past you successfully worked through a challenge.
If some of this sounds familiar, yay for you! I started writing about these concepts in Remember an Accomplishment, Examine Your Attribution Style, and Recognize Your Strengths!)
What positive, motivating statements work for you?
Good news–you’re 1/3 of the way through the Daily Shoring tips! I hope you’re working on something each day–remember that daily commitment is key in building healthier habits and moving out of a rut or depression.
Here are a few smart phone apps which can help build healthy habits and emotional well being:
Tap & Track for Diet and Exercise
Headspace–A Mindfulness Meditation App
Below is the same pep talk I gave you after day 10; read through it again if you need motivation. For today, choose one of the tasks from the past month to repeat and build upon. Congrats on completing the first month of Daily Shoring!
If there are days you haven’t actually completed a task (I assume you’re at least reading the tips on a daily basis!), let’s look at common pitfalls:
- “Seems easy–I’ll do it later.” Fine, if you make a habit of following through on things. If things fall through the cracks then build a habit of reading Daily Shoring at the same time each day and completingsomething right then. You can always go back later and repeat a more challenging version of the suggestion, but don’t get sidetracked by your ambition/procrastination.
- “I don’t see how this will help.” Okay, but do it anyway. There’s no downside here and second guessing just keeps you stuck.
- “I’m too busy.” These tasks take so little time (the easy versions) that they almost take no time at all! Some tips are really just thinking–take “Target One Bad Habit” and let’s say you decided to avoid overeating at dinner. You think and change a behavior, but it actually takes no time from your day! Just do it!
- “I’m too depressed; I have no motivation.” I know depression can be so bad that it’s debilitating. But that’s one of the purposes of this blog–when you’re so depressed that you can barely function, you need to do at least one positive thing each day (and it doesn’t require a lot of time or sustained effort–see above!). Most people have heard of cognitive behavioral psychotherapy–one of the most researched and effective psychotherapy methods for depression. The cognitive part has to do with changing maladaptive thought patterns (if you want to know more, read The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns). The behavior part is up to you (along with your therapist, if you have one). This is where most people struggle, but it’s a vital component. You have to act the way you would act if you were not depressed in order to help yourself become un-depressed! I admit, it’s more complicated and nuanced than that, but for the purposes of a blog, that’s the best way I can put it.
Altruism has many positive effects, including improved mood, boosted immune functioning, and decreased stress. Today, look for an opportunity to be kind to someone. How about:
Easy:
- Hold the door or elevator for someone
- Let someone merge in traffic
- Pay a genuine compliment to someone; if you’re not around people today, you can do this electronically (kind words to a favorite blog author, perhaps?)
Longer Term:
- Is there an individual, family, organization, or cause you would like to support? Spend some time thinking of ways you could contribute on an ongoing basis.
What are your personal strengths?
Write down at least one thing you’re good at.
If you’re feeling motivated, write a list of all the things you like about yourself, as well as your biggest challenges.
How can you use your strengths to compensate for your weaknesses?
What can you do today that plays to your strengths?
Today’s Daily Shoring tip is more about thinking than doing. Our thoughts, and the way we interpret events, greatly influence our mood.
Let’s look at Attribution Styles:
People with a Positive Attribution Style believe positive outcomes are due to their own effort.
If things do not go their way, they either chalk it up to temporary bad luck or identify concrete things they can do differently the next time to bring about a more favorable outcome. Examples:
- “I received a promotion at work because of my hard work and diligence.”
- “I didn’t receive a promotion at work because they needed someone with experience in X, and my experience is in Y. It might work out for me next time, though.”
- “I didn’t receive a promotion at work because I haven’t completed the certification I need. I’ll focus on the certification process and I’ll have a better chance next time.”
People with a Negative Attribution Style identify themselves as the cause for negative outcomes, and they believe these causes are permanent. If a positive outcome occurs, they believe it’s a fluke. Examples:
- “I received a promotion at work, but that’s a fluke–it’s nothing I earned. They just didn’t have anybody else with experience in X.”
- “I didn’t receive a promotion at work–typical. Nothing I can do, that’s just the way it is.”
People with a Positive Attribution Style are more resilient and much less likely to suffer from depression.
Likewise, people with a Negative Attribution Style feel hopeless and helpless–they feel no control over their fate, which leads to “learned helplessness”–not trying because they don’t see a correlation between their efforts and the outcome. They are much more likely to suffer from depression.
If you have a Positive Attribution Style, you’re in good shape!
If you have a Negative Attribution Style, try one of these strategies:
- Think of something you accomplished in the past (you already have something in mind from Remember an Accomplishment, right?). Acknowledge what you contributed in that situation–your effort, skill set, natural abilities or attitude. You played a part in that success–it didn’t just happen.
- Think of a recent disappointment–what could you have done differently? Taking responsibility for suboptimal effort on your part actually increases self esteem because you realize your efforts can influence the outcome!
Want to learn more about your attributional style? Click here for an online quiz from Psychology Today.
